2002-03-03 - 1:38 a.m.

God dammit. Writing isn't doing it for me. I've tried hoping for years that some day I'd be able to finish a script. Write myself a good screenplay, one that's long enough and quality enough that when I find a way to get someone to read it, I'll find myself thrust into the movie business, making something of myself.

But that hope for the future just isn't doing it for me right now. Doesn't help that the chances of that hope coming true are so slim that I'd practically be better off spending all of my money on lottery tickets than trying to make it as a screen writer. Because the truth is, either way, it's probably NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Fucking film making. Why did it have to be filmmaking? Why does that have to be the craving that keeps me laying awake in bed, considering throwing everything away to go pursue it? Why not just writing? Why couldn't it just be a dream of being a novelist? Or why can't I dream about being up at the head of a bank? I could start working for that now! And my current job would PAY MY WAY for the education I'd need. But no. I have to pick one of the hardest fucking professions in the world to make it in. Filmmaking. Everyone wants to be in movies, and about .0004% of them actually make it. Emerson University, when putting me on their waiting list, told me that one of the factors for that happening could be that I "applied to one of the more commonly selected majors, like Film." "Like Film." Their generic waiting list form letter actually uses my chosen profession as the example of something that would make it harder for me to get into their school.

And honestly, I don't fucking know where I'm going with this.

But I really wish I could be doing *anything* on a movie set right now. I don't care if I'd be a hundred feet away from the camera, duct taping cables to the floor for a living. I need to do it soon.

But as it is, I can't afford to buy myself a fucking Sony Handicam.

This "real world" thing is just getting worse.