2003-11-15 - 1:13 p.m.

I haven’t written much of anything in months other than a few e-mails. I’m supposed to be a writer but I have barely created anything new in too long for me to remember. It’s starting to feel like a representation of my life as it is right now. I was always a dreamer, always planning for the next huge thing that was going to make my life take an amazing turn, the breakthrough that was going to change me forever. Now, I do everything in baby steps, and every step scares me.

Two weeks ago I got nervous on my way to a job interview, not because I was nervous that I wouldn’t get the job, I knew if I wanted it I’d have it, but because the idea of getting a second job scared me. It scared me because my only goal with that second job would have been to raise money for another job. There’s training I need for a job that would make me a lot more money but again would just be another boring, copy-stuff-down-for-others job. The job interview two weeks ago was just a baby step to another baby step and it’s so slow it feels like I’ve stopped.

The problem is, I feel sometimes like I’ve forgotten how to come up with these big ideas. Like all I can do is be conservative and slowly move ahead and it feels wrong. And I think I’ve found the problem. I think it’s because of my job. All I do all day is type numbers. Type numbers and mark down a bunch of different types of information every five to fifteen minutes. I’ve gotten so good at making sure the information I need at each step of the way is written or displayed somewhere. I don’t have to remember any of them. I need the job name, my eyes shoot to the right to the paper where I write all the job names and copy down the last one on the list. I need a batch number my eyes shoot up to the computer monitor. I need the job number they move back down from the screen to another paper. Every single thing I might need to remember I can just read somewhere. I don’t need to remember anything, and any added mental stimulus I have is quashed by listening to music to keep myself from being too distracted to remember the small parts I do need.

My job is turning me into a goldfish. Something major needs to change or I’m going to be trapped. Stuck behind my own apathy in a life of mediocrity. So I’m thinking about it. I’m working on it. I’m sure I’ll figure it out, because I have to. I keep thinking about running away to somewhere like the Bahamas or Hawaii but I know I won’t. I don’t know what I will do, but I have to do something. I have some ideas. We’ll see.