2001-07-10 - 11:33 p.m.

And so, as of a few days ago, I've started brooding again. This is a rather bad time, as brooding means bringing up all of the things that have been depressing me lately and dwelling on them far more than they deserve. Now, this isn't *too* bad, as it's something that only really gets to me when I'm alone, it doesn't hurt my social life—what little is there—but it's still there and still frustrating.

Most recent problem: The same one I've had since this diary started. Loneliness. The question? Also the same: Why am I still single? I was going to ask why am I alone, but that doesn't work. Because I'm not alone. I have friends. I have co-workers. For a little while longer, I have my mother, though I'm only talking to her through notes written to each other while the other is sleeping, but that's just a problem of scheduling, not with our relationship.

See, the thing that has gotten me thinking about why I'm single lately is the fact that I seem to hit it off with some new person online every day. I have a really good conversation with someone online, the kind of thing that I normally have with other great, intelligent people in real life when I'm really compatible with that person. And then I start to wonder why that doesn't happen in real life with anyone now.

That's when I remember the only people I see in real life now that are my own age are my friends Molly (Molly from MSSM, not Molly I dated from Upward Bound) and Sarah. I've known both of them for almost and over three years, respectively. The next step in my train of thought is normally on the days that I met each of them, which I still remember vividly. This is mainly because while I'm really scatterbrained when it comes to remembering something that is really important from one moment to the next, I can remember *moments* for a very long time, in great detail.

I met Sarah in the lounge of Knox Hall at the University of Maine my second summer at Upward Bound. We were doing an Improv Comedy workshop, and I was there with my friend Harmony. Sarah was introduced to me by one of the staff members as "That girl I told you about who's going to MSSM next year." And so, there she was, little more than a shy statement of fact sitting in the room with me. She was a girl who would be in my general vicinity for the next two years. That's all I knew. I never knew we'd actually become as good a pair of friends as we have.

But the odd thing is, as little of an impact as the start of our friendship had, I still remember that day, that workshop, really well. I remember exactly what she was wearing. I remember what various other people were wearing. I remember what the walls looked like. I remember the texture of the rug on the weird stair/chair things they had for people to sit on in that lounge. I remember the games we played in the workshop, specific things I did, what others did, I remember it all.

I also remember the day I met Molly almost as vividly as you can remember a day. Because that was an incredibly important day in my life, for many reasons. It's one of those days that makes you wonder what would have happened had there been slight changes in moments. I don't so much wish they had been different, because I'm incredibly happy with what happened, I'm simply saying the rest of my time at the school could have been drastically different based on what happened that day.

It started fairly simply. It was a Saturday. I was having brunch with my friend Justin. Molly had been sitting in the cafeteria with some friends of ours, and we joined them. That was when we were introduced for the first time. Simple, again, seemingly uneventful. I don't remember who was there, but I remember other images. What she was wearing, what Justin was wearing, where in the cafeteria we were sitting. After eating the three of us went to the main lounge of the dorms, and I got a couple of movies from my room, "Reservoir Dogs" and "Army of Darkness." I remember those because I remember we watched "Reservoir Dogs" first and Molly commented that AoD didn't have as much blood (unless, of course, you count that one giant geyser of blood from The Pit).

One other thing I remember, not that many people know it, but I'm sure they will soon because of this, is that for that day, I was interested in her. I was doing my best to do that subtle flirting/making friends thing that I do that always works so well. And when I say "well" I mean "rather badly." I mean, it words to make friends, but it almost never works to actually get someone interested in me. Part of the reason it worked really badly this day was the fact that I gave up really quickly when I realized that Justin was flirting rather heavily with her. Now, I'm not saying that he has a better chance than me with *anyone,* I'm simply saying, he has a tendency to get a bit pushy and weird when he's flirting with someone, especially if he realizes that someone else is interested in the girl, too. I'd already had one friendship with a girl damaged because of him doing that, I wasn't going to have it happen again. And so I stopped. That day, the very first Saturday of my second year at MSSM was the first and last time I tried pursuing Molly. And that is because of what happened later that night.

I took the weekly bus to the movies that night with Justin, and we went to walk around the mall beforehand for a bit (the movie was "Armageddon." I told you I have a vivid memory). While there, he told me he liked Molly. But he told me in that "I realize you're trying to flirt with her too, and I will try to out-flirt you to the death and ruin both of our chances if you don't back off now" kind of way that he had done just months earlier with someone else, and resulted in doing pretty much just that before. I knew he meant it, and besides, I'd stopped already.

And so I went, I watched the movie. Various things that had nothing to do with the movie but were going through my head during it were depressing me, so when I got back from it, I was sitting around, looking very glum. And watching Justin being pushy and creepy around Molly just bothered me more, so I guess I was looking rather bad when my friend Naomi came up and asked me if I was alright, and I said I wasn't, really. She asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her and a few other people. I said I would, and there was the moment that it started. Pure luck and weird coincidences brought me to this point. Because not only was I going on a walk with Naomi, I was going with Naomi, our friend Beth, and their new first-year student friends, Jason and…

*cue big important sounding music……now*

Amanda.

That's right, because of all of this weirdness, because of Justin trying incredibly hard to get with someone probably neither of us had any chance with, because of a movie, because of all of it, I was going on this walk with Amanda. And while we had met earlier in the week, we hadn't really talked much. That was when I got to know her, when we started to really like each other, and really hit it off. That started what would become a relationship that would last, almost trouble-free, for 21 months.

And it all started because I was interested in someone else.

And honestly, I don't know what this has to do with how this essay started, but it's the train of thought I've been on. I get depressed because I'm single, and then I start to think about how my other really good relationships have started. I think mainly the way it fits is I wonder if Molly, on that day, had any idea. If she actually found herself interested in me at all for that one day, even if—as I'm sure is the case—she doesn't now. Because that right there could say a lot about me, and about my ability to carry myself as a Person Worth Dating. Maybe I just need to get to the point that I'm not longer considering what it means to try to attract someone and just be comfortable with whoever I meet. Maybe that's why I am still single now. Because I try to force it.

Who knows? This is just becoming rambling and I have no good conclusion. And I'm supposed to be across the building in one minute. So now it's time to go to work. Maybe I'll figure it out there.