2001-12-07 - 10:38 a.m.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who asked me if I'm okay after my last entry. And to the person who told me to lighten up and said I was becoming a "right humourless melodramatic bitch," I would like to cordially invite you to go have sex with yourself, because for I think I'm allowed to have the bad emotions along with the good occasionally, and this week, I am justified. I think I finally am okay for now, though, even though I have a lot more to work out.

I can't really explain here yet. I have to talk to the person who is the driving force behind these emotions right now. I talked to her yesterday, just as I was almost dealing fairly well with things, and suddenly had everything change again and I found myself on the phone, curled up in a ball on my couch under an afghan, loopy and laughing to myself about the Van Halen video "Right Now." I wasn't watching the video, I was just thinking about it, and even though it had really nothing to do with what was going on, I couldn't get it out of my head. I was in really bad shape last night.

But I'm dealing with it. It's all become one big thick ball of thoughts sitting in the back of my head, giving me a bit of a headache, but the uncontrolled emotion that was hitting me with waves of nausea is gone.

I'm hoping I'll be able to write in here about everything soon. I'm finally to the point that writing in my diary will help me, but that doesn't mean it helps everyone in this situation, so I'm waiting. I need permission on this one, and you'll understand why when you read it.

But I'm going to be okay. I know that much.