2002-03-19 - 1:02 a.m.

I wasn't going to say anything about this, but you know what? I'm pissed.

Back in November of 2000, I went to a They Might Be Giants concert at the Avalon in Boston. It was my first trip to the city in a while, and it was a lot of fun. But whatever, if you want to read about that, click the link.

Anyway, the following weekend, I was in Diaryland chat, as I was most any day back then. A name I hadn't seen in there before, katybug, showed up, and soon into the conversation, started talking about a TMBG show she'd been at a week before in Boston. A bit of conversation, and we figured out that not only had we been at the same show, but we were about 5 feet away from each other the whole time.

We started talking fairly often, mostly on AIM, and when the following January came along, and I attempted to move to Boston, we made plans to meet after I got settled.

Unfortunately, as some of you may recall, I got settled into a large debt and a trailer with my mom in Belfast, Maine. Meaning Kate and I never met.

But we kept talking anyway. We never seemed to have a bad conversation, whatever it might be about. We had similar views on music, movies, politics (though we conflicted on the drug issue), what SNL skits we liked and disliked. Then, one day (and now that I think about things, I remember this more clearly now), I mentioned something about still wanting to move to Boston, or go to school at BU or Emerson (where she is), and hopefully meet up sometime. I figured, since we got along so well, and we'd be in the same city (possibly the same school), that wouldn't be a problem.

I didn't see her on AIM again.

Now, I kept reading her diary, and still do (though I'm probably going to stop fairly soon), and found out that just as she disappeared, she was working hard on finals. So I thought maybe she wasn't going on AIM so she wouldn't be distracted. Then she went home for the summer, and I made up all kinds of excuses for her not showing up, though I knew by then she was probably blocking me for some reason.

Then, after seeing transcripts in her diary of AIM conversations she'd had under the same name at times when I *knew* I was online, I knew it was true, that she was, in fact, blocking me, with absolutely no explanation.

I tried emailing her to find out why. Twice, actually. But I got no response. I think the reason it kept bugging me is the simple fact that I had no idea if I'd done something to deserve it or not. But, failing that twice, I was going to give up totally on it. What could I possibly have to gain? It's not like I was going to be able to hold a normal AIM conversation with her again, and as long as I was living in Maine, it's not like I was going to have a chance to meet her in real life.

And then I decided to move to Boston.

And every little thing that I would want to try to resolve by then came rushing to the surface.

Including getting in touch with Kate.

Why did I care? I shouldn't have. I know enough people in Boston, I should have been willing to just accept that for whatever reason, she'd decided to not talk to me any more. Move on, let it go.

But I couldn't. I had to know why. And so, I went to www.aim.com. Started up AIM Express, Java-based version of AIM that would allow me to be using two names at the same time. Signed up for boiogna36, signed in with the "i" capitalized, so it looked the same as bologna36. And when I saw her online, just said "hi." This was about half an hour ago. And now, I know why she was blocking me.

She's "just felt weird about it, okay?" She's "wary about meeting people online," and I "didn't do anything to deserve it." So that's the end of it. Here I am, totally cut off from someone who will, within a week, be fairly close to me, someone who I really liked, someone who I probably would have gotten along with very well, and would have had a very good time hanging out with, because she met me on the computer first.

Remember the trip to Boston I took a few weeks ago, when I decided I wanted to move? I found out when I got back that Kate and I were in a bunch of the exact same places, just one day apart. A year and a half ago, we were standing in the same room, only feet away from each other, having a great time watching the same live performance. I tried to get into the same school she as the one she is currently going to, and still want to try again some time.

All different ways that the two of us could have talked to each other, met each other purely by chance.

Apparently, though, despite the fact that we've already been come close to meeting in real life, without the intervention of computers, the fact that we were on opposite ends of an internet connection the first time we talked makes it weird.

Had I been some totally random person in a crowd, knowing nothing about her but the simple fact that we happened to be listening to the same music, or shopping in the same store, or going to the same school, that wouldn't be weird. But knowing we use the same website, have a *lot* of the same interests, have good conversations together, get along quite well, etc. etc. etc, all of the various things we already know about each other, is somehow weird. Is worse than being a random face in the crowd. Stranger than someone who could turn out to be just a complete asshole with a pretty face. Bad. Because it's on the computer first.

Frankly, I'm sick of this stigma against meeting people online. All the time I hear people saying that it's weird to meet people on the internet, while myself, I find it quite enjoyable. I mean, this way, before you ever meet face-to-face, you know the person for the person. You know them as they are, not just how they look. Your first personal meeting would be more like meeting up with a good friend than a nameless face. And yet, because of horror stories about meeting freaks and psychos and stalkers online, suddenly the world thinks it's strange or scary to meet people who happened to use the computer to make the first contact.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

But that doesn't help me, now, does it?