2001-08-16 - 2:39 a.m.

Well, I got a bunch of pictures developed today. This roll had been sitting in my camera for almost a year, slowly building toward the point that I could finally develop it, because I'm too poor to take pictures of everything that I think will look cool if it happens to come out (which is why I need a good digital camera {hint, hint}), so my film lasts a really long time. Which is also why most of my pictures—assuming they do come out—hold as much meaning behind them as possible.

Well, this was both good and bad for me today. I got some absolutely beautiful pictures, many of which I'll post on here today, but there was one that really hurt. The beginning of this roll has many pictures from my camping trip to Campobello Island with Molly (ex-girlfriend UB Molly, not friend from MSSM who I've been hanging out with lately Molly) and her family. The very first one on the roll is one that I'd completely forgotten about, which is odd, because even after all this time, I still knew most of what was on it, and… guh.

I remember taking the picture. I remember getting out of the van at the West Quoddy Head Light in Lubec. There were some beautiful wild flowers on the road on the passenger side of the van. There was a black truck from New York parked a little ways in front of us. I had just taken a picture as Molly's mother went down to the lighthouse with her little brother and sister, Benjamin and Rosalie. That picture was the last one on the roll, and my camera was winding itself so I could change rolls of film. I remember Molly taking my sunglasses off my head and putting them on her own and wandering around through the flowers. I replaced the film and lifted the camera, snapping the shot. She was looking back at me, giving me that coy "I'm embarrassed that you're taking my picture but it's okay because it's you" look through the plants.

And there was that look. That look on that cute face with my sunglasses propped on her head looking back at me, and I miss her. It's been almost 11 months since we were dating, but we were so happy then, and still would have been if the evil creature of Distance hadn't gotten in the way. I think it's a lot harder to have lost at times because we never got into the Just Happy and Comfortable phase, we were still in the God, This Is Great phase when a relatively short distance with complete lack of convenience destroyed everything.

I miss her.

You would, too, if you understood what I felt then and still kind of do, despite the complete unfeasibility of anything actually happening between us. I just miss her, and I miss what we had. And to make it worse, I can't even talk to her on the computer. She moved, I haven't heard from her since July 22nd. I keep emailing her every week or so, just in case.

I miss her. And since I don't know how else to explain it, I'm just going to give you the picture, then maybe, just maybe, you'll see it. You probably won't. Not that there's anything wrong with you, just that you haven't been up close, seen the detail, the love, the happiness, everything that made being with her Just Good.

You probably won't see it, but I do. So here it is.

I hope you get something from it, because I know I get something from posting it.